TheGioBlog

I think what hurts the most is that I know you are capable of loving loudly.

That’s the part I can’t escape from.

I saw the public heartbreak before me.
I saw the posts.
The desperation.
The inability to let someone go quietly.
I saw you turn grief into something impossible to hide.

So where did that version of you go when it came to me?

Because I keep trying to understand how the same man who once fought so visibly for someone else could watch me slowly disappear and still choose silence every single day.

And before you say it, no, I’m not asking you to bleed publicly for me.
I never wanted humiliation.
I never wanted performance.

I just wanted effort.

Just enough effort to make me feel like losing me terrified you more than being vulnerable did.

But instead, I got silence so heavy it started living inside my body.
Hospital visits.
Sleepless nights.
Anxiety eating through my stomach.
And still, somehow, I kept defending you in my head because I knew you felt something.

That’s what makes this so painful.

I know you feel.
I know you care.
I know there’s love somewhere inside you.

But sometimes I wonder if she was simply loved louder than I was.

And maybe that thought will haunt me for a very long time.

Because I watched you fight harder for people who hurt you more than I ever did.

Was it worth it in the end? All of this?

Did i deserved it? Any of this?

I wanted you to actually think about this.

What have i done to you since the beginning but being there every single time?

Forgiving, wanting to be better

I watched you expose grief you now hide from me like vulnerability became something shameful.

And I swear I tried to understand you.
I tried to understand the fear, the avoidance, the way you disappear into yourself like the eremite hiding in his cave while everything outside collapses.

But there comes a point where loving someone starts feeling like slowly starving beside a locked door.

You know what destroys me the most?

It’s not even the possibility of losing you anymore.

It’s realizing that I would have crossed every inch of fire to keep us alive, while you still hesitate at the entrance of your own pride, acting like apologizing would kill you faster than losing me.

And maybe that’s the answer I never wanted to face.

Maybe you loved her louder.
Or maybe you only know how to realize the size of love once it’s already gone.

Maybe you just didn’t like me that much.

Maybe you’re just cruel.

It’s not something i’ll ever think about anymore.